Things The Lord Taught Me Through My Son’s Death

Fifteen years ago next month our son, Joshua, died. It was a very difficult period for our whole family. As my father told one of the Doctors when he became angry with him, “This isn’t a slab of meat we’re talking about here Doc. It’s a little boy that quite a lot of people happen to care quite a lot about.” We all blamed ourselves to one extent or another for his death. To this day my mother still blames herself. The Lord has brought my husband and me peace though. He’s good that way.

Does this mean that I don’t miss our son or have sorrow over his absence? Absolutely not. Whenever I see my boys standing all together or when I look at a family picture, my first thought is that he is missing. Every April grief becomes my companion. As Memorial Day creeps up and the stores all start putting out flowers it’s especially hard because they never make flower arrangements for children. My husband watches me week after week as I search in vain for something appropriate. Finally I give up and push past those isles purposely looking the other way. If I look toward my husband during those times I find him watching me, always with sorrow for me in his eyes. In December I mark his birthday with thoughts of “this year he would have started school,” or “gone to camp,” or “started to drive,” or whatever else is appropriate. In my hear I have never stopped being the mother of five sons.

This year we would have been getting him ready for college. Next year would have marked the start of his adult life. So many years for a mother to have missed out on. So what is left? What do I have to rejoice in? Well this is some of what the Lord has taught me so far.

1. Life, our own and those whom we love, are gifts and privileges to be cherished not rights of time that we can waist. We need to do the good we can while we can because there may not be a later. And we need to let those we love know how important they are to us so that later we don’t have to wonder if they understood just how important they where.

2. Small amounts of time can have profound affects on our lives. Our son was with us two and a half years and yet he changed us and our family in many ways. The good things and people we fill our lives with change our lives in good ways and, conversely the evil that we do and the bad influences that we abide change us in bad way even. If they are only there for a short while those changes have life long consequences.

3. Children are indeed a blessing from the Lord. I know it’s hard to believe when they young and are keeping you up all night with sickness or worry. When the day comes though that you are looking at their not being there any more you finally see how much of a blessing they are. The Lord has used them to grow you up, to draw you into being less self centered, and to give you a deep and rich knowledge of Himself and His love for you.

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:9-11

4. The Lord never lets us go, no matter what. I can remember days when I was so hurt and angry that I thought I wanted him to. I can remember crying out “why wont you let me go, why won’t you just let me go?” I came to realize that He could no more let a child of his in trouble go than I could one of my own. He could never stop loving me and calling me back to Himself.

John 10:28-29 says “I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand.” He is ever waiting, watching and calling to us, just as a mother calls to a lost child.

5. The next thing I learned is one of the most profound and yet hardest to put into words, so you will have to be patient with me. What I want to try and put into words is how privileged I feel. I haven’t always felt that way. For a long time I whined over having our son taken so soon. Then one day I realized what a privilege it was to have a child who had so few years. Think about it. Joshua only had 2 ½ short years to learn all he needed to prepare him to meet with our Heavenly Father. Just two and a half years and the Lord trusted those years with us. I wouldn’t have. If I were God I can think of a lot of people whom I would be more willing to trust those years with than us. But He didn’t. Out of all the people in the world He trusted those few short years with us.

I used to look at those few years and ask why in a hurt, self centered sort of way. Now I still ask why but in an awed, humble way. I feel like David when he cried out to God “What is man that you are so mindful of him?” I find myself thinking, “Who am I Lord that you would trust me with the life of this child? I’m nobody special.” But trust me He did. I hope I made Him proud.

6. Next there is life after the death of a child. There was a time when I’m not sure you could have convinced me of that though, being a “Super Christian” I would never have admitted it out loud. Still it is true. Not only is there live after the death of a child but, with the Lords help, there is rich abundant life. Not just a busy life, but a full, happy life. Do I still wish at time that I had all five of my boys together? Yes, but the truth is that my other children bring me great joy. So do my husband, my friends, my church, my other family members, and most importantly my God. Without Him teaching, patiently teaching me this I would probably still be wallowing in my grief. He taught me that Joshua wasn’t my only reason for existing and he had a lot more planned for my life.

7. Lastly life on this earth is not all there is. 1 Thes. 4:13-18 says "Brother, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words."

We used this passage for our son's funeral. We did it as much for ourselves as for the others at the service. We all know it or at least it's sentiments but while we say we believe it, I think that often, when we are struck with grief, we forget that this life isn't all there is. It was important to my husband and I, in the midst of all that sorrow, to remind ourselves that our children are not our god and that if we lost any or all of them it wouldn't be the end of our relationship. The Lord has planned for better than that. How gracious and kind of Him! What a balm to a grieving mothers heart!

It doesn't make that time of grief and sorrow easy, but it is easier knowing that the Lord is there walking with us, and when we need it, carrying us through it all; that it wasn't a surprise for Him. He planned for it and how to get through it before the beginning of time. Not only did he plan a way to get through the sorrow, but he planned for the reunion on that great day when we all meet again. Oh what a banquet that will be! Oh what rejoicing when we meet Christ and our loved ones, when we are no longer strangers but are finally home.

Last night after I had almost finished this, our pastor, Bro. John, said in passing "I thank God for the struggles and hard times. They bring us depth. I've known Christian who haven't had any trials and they are shallow. Their faith is only an inch deep." I guess that pretty much sums up what I'm trying to say. Hard times are just that, hard, but they bring a depth of faith and maturity that I rejoice in. This time we spend here seems long and the road we walk is rocky and hard. We grow weak and tired, especially when we try to make it under our own power. But in truth it is only the blink of an eye when weighed against eternity.

One day, when we are finally at home with our Father, as we tell each other our stories, we will be like soldiers, laughing at the things we went through and how we thought we might not make it through that one. As for me, I will also crawl into my Fathers arms and the two of us will weep out our heart over the deaths of our sons and rejoice in our respective reunion stories. It couldn't have been easy for Him to watch His son die. Yet for my sake and your's He allowed it. He loved us enough to allow it. I'm not sure I could.