Dealing With My Mother's Cancer

I have no where to go with all of this.  I can't take it to the boys, the older ones have lives of their own with all the problems that come with that.  My youngest doesn't need to deal with all this, he's already giving up quite a lot because of this he doesn't need to listen to my problems too.  My husband can only listen to so much before he's telling me "You already told me that."  The problem is it is the same thing every day and sometimes several times a day, so he thinks that he's heard it all before while I'm dealing with it over and over.  Friends and family say "if there's anything we can do..."  All the while either hoping I won't ask for or unable to give me the one thing I really need; which is a break.

So, all that said, I need a place to go, a place where no one knows either my mother or me, a place where I can vent without any one being shocked and saying "I can't believe she said that" or "I can't believe she did that"; because sometimes my mother is really frustrating and hurtful right now.  I don't want people to thing less of her or me as we walk through this.  I just want a place where I can dump it all and continue on.  I intend for this to be that place. 

If there is someone out there reading this, I'm sorry.  You really should probably find another place to be.  At this point in my life this blog won't be pretty unicorns, rainbows and butterflies.  It is about to become gritty and rough and not much fun, but I desperately need a place for my life to reflect that part of what's going on right now.  So If your not me, move on, don't stop here, go find someplace more fun. This will not be that place for you for quite some time.  If somehow you stumble into this place and won't take my advice to move on I refuse to be responsible for your depression.  Don't be telling me to cheer up and be happy, I will not respond well.  This is not the place for that.  It's just not, not right now.

Success

Well my eldest made the Dean's List at college. He ended up with a 3.54 something, something something average. Now that sounds as if I'm bragging and maybe I am a little, but it's more than that. We really need for him to get a scholarship next year if he is going to be able to complete year. Making the Dean's List will make getting a scholarship a little easier. Added to that, because he did so well in calculus he will be able to tutor in that subject as well as some others. That will be added money as well. So, yes being on the Dean's List does qualify him for bragging rights, but it's so much more important than that.



The second success I had was in Sunday night training. I had the middle class. Our pastor's wife has had it in the past but after having the baby she had to stop teaching. On the other hand she still thinks of it as her class so she keeps close tabs on it. This Sunday was the first time that I had class all to myself without her telling me what to teach.



I chose an object lesson about sin. We talked about how we are all sinful and that there is nothing we can do to make a way for ourselves so Christ had to do it for us. I'm a big believer in bible work. I want my kids to leave my class after to or three years knowing their way around a bible. Plus, it's God's word, not my thoughts that bring conviction. So we worked our way through the scriptures as I made my points. Our main scripture was Ps. 103:2.



Finally at the end I gave the demonstration. I took a white bowl of water and told that that the water represents our lives. I then shook pepper on the top of the water and said "So what does the pepper represent?" Of course they answered sin. I went on to talk about how a little sin covered our whole life. Then I took a tooth pick and dipped it into a little dish soap and told them that the soap represented Christ's blood and said "Watch what happens to the sin when we allow Christ into our lives." I touched the soap to the water and immediately the pepper shot out to the edges of the bowl. Every single student in that class gasped.



I knew it would work but I didn't expect them to get so excited I went on to explain that it wasn't exactly the same because our sins were totally gone, never to be found again, not out on the edge of our lives. When we went for snacks they made me do it again and gathered up all the kids in our discipleship training department to watch. A number of them where saying that they were going to go home and show it to their families. A lot of the kids who come, especially on Sunday, nights don't come with their parents so that really means something.

Interesting times

Well two hospital visits for my husband, a two week cold for me, the same awful cold for three of my four boys, a Trojan worm and consequent crash for my computer and I'm finally able to be back.

I love Christmas but it didn't go well this year. The tree never was put up. I didn't get out a single Christmas card. Very little baking got done and then only because I begged the boys to do the lion share of it for me. The fact that they boys willing went to work to bake cookies for me tells how bad it was. I was beginning to sing "If We Make it Through December".

I spent Christmas day in the hospital with my husband but that was better than when he was sitting in ICU. I couldn't bare the thought of the boys spending Christmas in the hospital so a few days before I sent them to my mom and dad's. I know that they love those boys as much as I do. I also know that it was the best thing I could do for them, but I never can help but feel guilty when I do that. The irrational side of my brain says that if I were truly a good mother I could take care of a husband sitting ICU and make a perfect Christmas for my children, fill my part in the Christmas play, and get out cards to all our friends.

What's wrong with me?! I know that that is impossible. No one can do all of that. I did the best I could with the options I had. I know without a doubt that I did what was best for the boys, so why do I feel guilty?

Well I hope everyone's Christmas went more smoothly than mine and that you all have a blessed New Year.

Remember Me

Find a vet and say thank you. It will do you and them a world of good.

In Need of Prayer

I am leaving to see my brother a week from tomorrow. He is having surgery on the 27th and my mother has asked me to go with her. My husband isn't to excited about the whole thing. He is worried that I will get there and not be welcome. He is afraid that thing will turn south and I will be stuck because he won't be able to come rescue me. He hates not being able to rescue me and, because he is my knight in shining armor, he become especially angry if he feels that I am being miss treated.

I am going because this is my brother and I love him. I figure some day in the not too distant future there will be a funeral that we will have to attend together and we need to have some kind of civil relationship if we are going to get through that time. So I keep opening the door and hoping that he will step through. So far he hasn't but I live in hope.

My pastor's wife says take my bible and remember to pray, (a given.) She also recommended reading the 91st Psalm every night. I think I will take her up on that one.

I asked my husband if he really didn't want me to go. I wasn't sure how I would make my excuses, but if he wanted me home I would. He said that he knew that I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and that while he didn't like it, he knew that he had more wiggle room than me. So I'm going. Pray for me.

My Husband Is Not a Happy Camper

It's October and in the next two weeks I have to:

• Get addresses to my sister-in-law for my parents 50th anniversary
• Get the financial stuff pulled together for our monthly church business meeting
• Pull things together for the Budget Meeting
• Finish the Annual Church Survey and get it put into the computer, (some people are not co-operating as well as they should so I will probably have to get that information myself.)
• Start a memory quilt for my parent anniversary gift

Before mid December I will need to get the quilt done; make three bouquets; make three boutonnieres; make at least 50 favors for the guests; Get up to see my mother twice (once to somehow make sure her dress fits without her getting suspicious and once just because she expects us to come once a month and I don't want her to be suspicious;) make a poster telling what life was like in the 50's when they got married; Take care of the RSVP; and Collect the glasses candy bar wrappers and a sundry other things for the wedding. Oh and I will still have to prepare for the regular business meetings at church, get thing ready for tax time, get out twice to see my son at Still water, and do school work with the boys. I think I'll just shoot myself and get it over with. It will be faster and less painful.

I would say that I will be glad when January rolls around so that I can slow down, but that was the same song I was singing about summer. Am I crazy or what?

Is It Awful Of Me To Be Glad My Son's Piano Teacher Callled to Cancel His Lesson?

There are days when the phone never stops ringing; today was one of those days. It was a hectic day to begin with and the phone was ringing off the wall. In the old days before we moved into the new house, I would have let the answering machine get it. I can't do that any more though because for some reason lightening strikes have become much worse now that we have moved to the back of the field, especially over the phone lines. We have lost two answering machines, three modems, a cordless phone, and two Dish receivers since the move. We now always unplug any electronics as soon as we hear thunder, and we have given up on an answering machine all together.

For some reason people seem to think that since I'm home I'm not doing anything and so they tend to call right in the middle of our school time. I try to explain and get off the phone as soon as possible but some times it's from someone needing human contact and they are hard to first, get you to let them go and second, not feel bad about asking them to let you go. Oh well.

Any way, today was one of those days where best laid plans fell totally apart. So at one point when the phone rang I thought "Not again. I'm so far behind already." When I answered it was my son's piano teach calling to say she couldn't do his lesson. She felt awful and was trying to fit him in on another day. I was trying to think of another day that would work. In the end we agreed that maybe it would be better to let it go for this week and just come next week.

I got off the phone doing the happy dance because it gave me breathing room. My son on the other hand was disapointed so I felt bad. It got a little better when I told him that his teacher said that I could let him learn a couple of new songs this week. Still, on one hand I really was glad not to have to go; on the other hand I felt bad for being glad. And we wonder why the bible says a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

A sad but true comentary on my life. I'm off to the dentist to have a loose filling replaced tomorrow wish me luck. I'm not sure I'll feel like writing.